i can’t stop thinking about my morning routine

That is my greatest fear

That if, if I lost control

Or did not have control, things would just, you know

I- it would be… fatal

-- SZA, “Supermodel”

I have this obsession with being in C O N T R O L. I guess we all do, don’t we? Have this need to know what’s around the corner?  If I walk through door A, will I be met with open arms or weird vibes? Life is just filled with sooooo many uncertainties. You can save and plan and prep for all possible outcomes and still be slapped in the face by an undeserving termination or life-altering heartbreak. So I guess the reason why I’ve become so obsessed with being in control is that in many, many ways it’s unattainable. No matter how many Google calendars I create or how many to-do lists I write, I still find myself crying on the train platform on a Sunday afternoon asking my mom for money because my paycheck was two days late.

After two- ish years of being a full-time freelancer, I landed myself a big girl job this past January.  And with a big girl job comes a big girl schedule and a big girl commute. I had become so used to getting up when I felt like it and going to bed when I ran out of Youtube videos to watch, that I’d forgotten what it meant to get up EVERY SINGLE DAY and go to work. One day I’d get a full eight hours and be ready to go and others I’d be listening to somebody’s podcast until 1:30 am half asleep on the Long Island Railroad during my morning trek.

Each day I’d chronicle how I felt in the morning and what I needed to adjust in my routine to be more productive the next day. I’m a millennial— we’re obsessed with PrOdUctIVity or whatever. Things like “ripped my underwear, it got caught in my pants zipper” and “definitely didn’t wear the right coat” filled my notes app and for some strange reason, I went to bed every single night feeling confident that with just a minor tweak I could get it right by morning.

So here we are. Week 3 of a new life and all I can think about is my morning routine. Should I do my hair from the night before? What am I going to wear tomorrow? Am I gonna make breakfast at home or grab a coffee from the bodega? Will I make my 8:48 train? Tomorrow’s Monday, right? Who’s on this week’s episode of “Business of Hype?” And no matter how many Youtube videos I watch of white women waking up at 5:30 am to eat their overnight oats before going to work, I ain’t there yet. My grandma had to wash my dishes for me this morning so I could catch my train. I had my computer at 110?% because I left my glasses at home.

But, guess what?  I. I. I. I’M STILL HERE. HERE. HERE.