Talk To Me Nice: Tinder Links + Missed Signals
Talk to Me Nice is a series here on Brainwash where you send us your dilemmas, your relationship problems, your fashion needs, and your career issues, and our editor in chief gives you her take.
Feel free to shoot us an anonymous question here, and you just might see an answer next week!
Started talking to a girl from Tinder, she’s really cool, smart and attractive. We met up just last week and she’s very flirtatious but seems distant when I bring the same energy, even in person. Should I wait for her to initiate the sexual talk or should I be more upfront instead of waiting?
What's shaking, Joe?
Tinder is a social platform designed for romantic connections, right? So, for the most part, everyone who swipes left is looking for a love interest. Whether it be for the night, or for forever, 50 million users log in with the intention of meeting someone they can connect with on some level. So you match with this girl, and from what I've read you like her to some extent. You like her enough to open this paragraph with the rundown of all the positive attributes she possesses. You meet up with shawty and she's flirty. She seems distant and as you try to engage with her she's not widdit. Let's pause for a minute. I have questions. For me, and my house, flirty and distant don't go together. Flirty, when coming from an honest place, is emotional. Ain't nothing distant bout it. If she is flirting with you, this can mean one of three things: she appreciates the attention you are showing her and wants to reciprocate said attention (let's be clear, everyone loves attention, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that), she sees you as a potential, long-term partner and is testing the waters to see what your intentions are, or she wants to smash. You say you gave her "that same energy" and it wasn't reciprocated but I'm wondering what this energy was. It seems like you don't even have a full read on what she wants, so how can you possibly give back "that same energy" when you don't know what energy is? This isn't to say that you did anything particularly wrong here, but it's super important to remember that people flirt for different reasons and unless you are sure of that reason you may be reading this scenario all wrong. Perhaps she was playfully flirting with you and you took it too far too soon and made her uncomfortable. Or maybe she flirts simply for the sport of it. Or maybe sis needed a free meal and wanted you to feel important but had no intentions of sleeping with you ever.
In all partnerships its about listening to what folks aren't saying and moving accordingly while also being super clear about your needs and intentions. You should make your desires known in a manner that makes her feel safe and comfortable. Remember, she doesn't know you from a random person on the street, so perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex with you after one date and a few texts. If you're interested in building something with her I suggest you handle this with care and have the conversation, but if you're sort of just dating around and just looking to smash sis let her build up some level of trust with you where she feels she can initiate those conversations with you. Email me here and let me know how it goes!
-ya fave editor in chief signing out